The Wall

I share this experience because I know I am far from being alone in it…

Tonight I hit the wall.

Many of you know the one I mean. That wall that comes when everything around you seems to be falling apart and you really aren’t sure how you can keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It was only for a few minutes. Right after my older son managed to do one of his non-verbal screaming fits right through dinner and my younger son was practically in my lap because he can barely handle being away from me. Because, well, we are grieving. I am seriously grieving right now. And I am pretty sure they can feel it rolling off of me in waves, which is, in turn, affecting them.

Now, I share this not to get advice or wisdom or even a pat on the back. Believe it or not, I have an excellent team of people who are there to help, along with a wonderful support system of friends and family. Which is why this only lasted for a few minutes.

I share this experience because I know I am far from being alone in it.

I know that I am weary and worn from so very many things right now – parenting and grief only being two. And I know that there are plenty of you out there who are just as worn out as I am. Probably ready to burst into tears. Throw in the proverbial towel. Or better yet, run for the hills.

All are tempting options at times. And hitting the wall is inevitable. It’s honestly normal. And a-okay.

The problem is staying at the wall and sinking in the mud for longer than a short period. Because life needs you. It needs me. It needs all of us.

It needs us to trodge on (see A Knight’s Tale for definition). To fight on. If nothing else, to keep breathing long enough until we can do the first two.

My boys picked out a book from their shelf tonight entitled Sofia Valdez, Future Prez, by Andrea Beaty. It tells the enchanting story of a young woman, in second grade, who finds herself at the head of a movement to bring a new park to her community, replacing their current neighbor “Mt. Trashmore.” In the midst of her journey, Sofia realizes, “being brave means doing the thing you must do…”

And that, I think, is the message that I and all of us who are so very tired need hear right now. It may not be easy to face the months or days or hours or even minutes ahead. But we are brave enough to do it. We just need to remember that.

We are brave enough for lots of reasons, but key among them being that we are never, ever alone.

So remember, even if you find yourself at the wall tonight, with your waders on and the mud up to your eyeballs – tomorrow is a new day. Be brave. Get back up. Kick away from the wall’s hold on you.Take a deep breath. And start again.

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